A love scene in a movie. He falls on his knees and promises eternal love. The women in the movie theatre cry. They see a pattern they are looking for since little girls. Especially if the only man in their lives – their father – traveled a lot, left the family early or just created a dozen of children to a few other women. Does it sound familiar? If it has not happened to you, you certainly know someone’s life with a similar scenario.
The Idealisation of the Male Image
And so, from the dad’s lack, an illusive, imaginative and idealized image is born, which the girl keeps in her heart and which she strives for every day of her growth. And one day, when the little girl becomes a maiden, she begins to convey this image to the young men who are the nominees for her heart.
Dynamics in the relationship
Someone had said that when a man and a woman meet, the man wanted to be her first man, and the woman wanted to be his last woman. And that´s how a romantic vision is nurtured. The only one. Nonsense. To each person there are countless suitable partners. Otherwise, how do you explain the fact of that little voice in the back of your mind, always wondering if there’s anyone better out there somewhere. Even when everything looks good in your relationship. Because the woman likes to keep her windows open. So she could jump in case she needs to escape. This pattern has prompted me for a long time from a relationship to a relationship, from the need of somebody to take care of me to the other extreme – to pour my love all over someone. And so the image for The Only (rarely One) moves us in the direction of an illusory romantic “love”, rather than a need that gives us what we missed in our childhood. And the poor child in us longs to get the original love of their parents, that unconditional acceptance that we can only get from them. The problem is that there is no going back. Life is moving forward. The river of life runs from generation to generation and no one can reverse its flow. So, when you are looking for The One, you are actually looking for your father who is the only one that can own this title. You see, there’s no way you can change that, but you can stop suffering by torturing the poor candidates with your childish projections.
I miss ….
For example, I miss my two parents – they created me, then my mother gave birth to me and left me to the life I do not know either of them. Deep in me there will always be a gap, a hole that nobody and nothing can fill. And while I was not aware of this, I believed that my partner had to take care of me, I even demanded that he gave me that unconditional love I have not received. This gap is most noticeable for our children. They are the detectors of emotional emptiness. When the child senses something missing, it goes right there and fills it. And you know what this leads to – even greater suffering. Because nobody can borrow somebody´s place
The Only One, can only be one.
So let´s go back to your thirst for The One and Only – take off the sunglasses , he is just an image, an echo coming from your subconscious. You’re just a woman, and he’s just a man. Two people who meet and do not promise things like “until death do us apart” because this is a sure killer of the relationship.
I know that it’s hard to stay sober in a world where the romantic thirst for a happy end is flowing from fairy tales and advertisements and movies. Why don´t you give yourself a happy start today? Release Dad’s hand and look at your husband in the eyes. Take your sunglasses off first, look straight into his soul and see him as a man with whom you are sharing your life at the moment. Someone you give to and someone you share with. But not everything, only that part that two mature partners can give each other – a measurable love that is fed reciprocally by every little gesture.